Ah, Christmas Eve at the Vatican—a special time of year when The Catholic Church celebrates the birth of Jesus through song, prayer and the occasional drunken rant. This year, Pope Francis will do something no Pope has ever done during this special season: perform a “Holy Door Ceremony”… in a prison. The man in white is hopping into his Pope mobile and shaking things up for the Vatican Jubilee Year by opening 5 “portals” over the course of five days—starting on Christmas Eve. A ritual, mind you, that has never been done before! So let’s learn more about Pope Francis’ Holy Door.

The Vatican conspiracy theories are abound. Luciferian rituals? Check. Alien technology in the Vatican archives? Duh, Obviously—and a nativity scene controversy accused of being “too woke”? You betcha—because nothing says “peace on Earth” like arguing over what swaddling fabric baby Jesus is wrapped in.

Grab your tinfoil hats and holy water, because between occult theories and real-world headlines, this Christmas Eve promises to be holier—and weirder—than ever before.

According to Vatican News, the Holy Door at St. Peter’s Basilica will swing open on Christmas Eve, marking a period of “renewal, grace, and mercy.” But the Pope isn’t stopping there—on December 26, he’s heading to Rebibbia Prison to open another Holy Door, bringing this brand spanking new sacred ritual to the imprisoned. The New York Post calls this Pope Francis prison visit “an unprecedented move,” and is being hyped up more than Wicked.

So, why is Pope Francis opening a Holy Door in prison? According to the Pope, Holy Doors represent crossing into a new spiritual beginning—whether you’re free as a bird or stuck behind bars. Don’t forget the Pope’s message of hope to struggling nations; the AP reports he’s urging debt relief for poorer countries, proving that ain’t no party like a Pope Francis party—cause a PFP’s got no cover charge.

Now, buckle up, because the internet has thoughts about Pope Francis and his  new Christmas Eve ritual. According to conspiracy theorists, the Holy Door ceremony isn’t just a symbol of spiritual renewal—it’s a gateway to Luciferian rituals, (Why is it always the Luciferians?) cause when you open a door in a church, Satan definitely shows up.

Others think the Vatican is hiding aliens in their secret archives (USCCB.org suggests it’s angels, but sure, let’s just say it’s aliens), and this whole Jubilee Year is a distraction from the alien knowledge that the Vatican has. So, is the Vatican hiding aliens?

Oh, and we can’t forget the Nativity scene controversy. AP reports on December 7, the Vatican unveiled a Nativity scene where baby Jesus was rocking a keffiyeh, a symbol of Palestinian identify. Well, this fashion choice drew a lot of attention, and the baby Jesus with the keffiyeh was removed, but he will be back in his manger on December 24 as is tradition. Conspiracy theorists claim this is part of a deeper agenda to manipulate religious symbols—but I’d like to think Baby J was just trying something new.

And of course, there’s the Pope’s Jesuit ties! A classic. The Pope’s Jesuit roots have people thinking this new ritual is all part of a shadowy global Jesuit takeover. It’s like “The Da Vinci Code,” without Tom Hanks and way less of a vibe.

So here we are—Pope Francis, Christmas Eve, Holy Doors, prisons, aliens, and conspiracy theories—oh my! Everyone is working overtime cause it’s a Apocalypse finals week. The Vatican is attempting to pull off a Jubilee Year like never before, opening doors of mercy for everyone, and while the Pope’s out here doing his thang, the internet’s shouting, “Lucifer! Aliens! New World Order!” It’s wild, but I guess that’s what life is like during the Apocalypse. The Pope can’t even open a door without people thinking it’s a portal to hell. But hey, maybe that’s the beauty of it—real hope and wild theories coexist simultaneously. Only one of them makes you look like Alex Jones tho…

 

The image used in this article is A.I. generated, and A.I. technology was used in the research of this article.